As I mentioned lately I have been stuck in this funk for a few weeks.
I usually would feel comfortable telling people that I handle stress well. Deadlines keep me sharp, challenges are welcome, and I don’t mind being pushed. I, at my core, am a people pleaser, and am content to work hard in the hopes of being recognized down the line. I also admit to being stupidly hopeful that people are generally good. Lately things, and people, have been letting me down. I started not sleeping, grinding my teeth, and bickering with my husband. In his endless wisdom (and ability to not get angry), he volunteered that we should talk about what was really bothering me.
So, I made a list. Because 1) I love lists. 2) Lists can solve anything. Specifically this is a process that I’ve gone through before whenever I have to figure out where my head is. Half the time I stress about things, I already know the answer on how to fix them. Seeing the answer on paper, written out – with clear directions, is a whole different thing though. And I need that at times.
Sucky List: All the things that are upsetting me
- People suck
- Husband hates my haircut
- Baby is teething / hence baby is not sleeping
- I’m not sleeping
- Got the bill for my little trip to the ER
- People suck
Once they were out on paper – it looked kind of stupid that I was that worked up over all of this. But I kept going. Part 2 in the exercise…
Happy List: Some of the things that make me happy
- Wine (or Champagne – I’m not picky)
- Good food
- Cooking said good food (with glass of wine)
Sounds simple, but all of the things that make me happy? They were all action items. That week I planned a trip to the library to get more books, updated my reading apps on my phone (axis360 is a favorite), went to the grocery store and picked out my favorite recipes.
Besides the obvious, my family, I knew horses would be on my list of positives. After my list directive, I scheduled a few lessons, grazed Dee, hacked around the farm, galloped around the front yard, and generally just immersed myself in all good things horse related.
On the day of one of my lessons, I actually texted Trainer and told her I wasn’t sure I should ride. Obviously confused I explained to her that you have to be able to stop angry-crying long enough to get around the arena. She held her ground, saying that it would help. Wellllllllllllllllll, I was running almost 30 minutes late by lesson time…I showed up, and promptly melted down…Dee’s owner and I had had a miscommunication and she’d already ridden her. (COULDN’T HANDLE-NEEDED RIDE SO BAD) After some texts, we figured out that she had just taken her on a bareback walk and a lesson was definitely a good idea.
I gathered what was left of my brain, and got Dee ready. When I met the Trainer in the ring, she just said “Get on, let’s go gallop at some fences.” And so we did. After a easy warm-up, she set up the fences to a healthy 2’9” and sent us off. Dee was really into it; I couldn’t stop laughing at her “being wild”. We had some really lovely jumps, but honestly, I just remember how much fun I was having. How stupid happy I was; laughing out loud happy.
Anyway, I guess you are always learning to push back on the sucky parts. But my focus should be on my bottom line – do what makes you happy.