Relevancy

While I am still recovering from all things Rolex, I wanted to take a quick minute to discuss something that has become very important to me recently.  I’ve discovered through my freshest bout of soul searching, that my biggest fear of the moment is that I will no longer be relevant.

To the professional riders of the world, that means they are no longer considered the best; perhaps that they don’t get the media attention, or high profile clients, or attend the biggest shows.  But to an adult amateur, especially one with kid(s), it means something else entirely.

Honestly, I am terrified of not mattering any more.  Without a horse, and without a really important goal driving me I felt that I was shrinking away into irrelevancy.  Irrelevancy at the barn.  Irrelevancy to my trainer.  And worst of all, I felt like the old me was so far gone, and that maybe I didn’t matter as much as I used to.

There is a huge undertaking to actually having a baby.  Physically-just…wow.  But mentally is what has actually taken me longer to get used to.  In so many ways, what I want matters less now.  Her needs are first, and I want it that way.  But losing O and gaining my daughter in a matter of 3 months pulled the rug out from underneath my personal identity.  Suddenly what I define as a rider means someone who pays a trainer to ride.  Not someone chasing a dream on their own horse, with 1000 iPhone pictures and plans and stupid huge amounts of hope.

Now my iPhone is filled with more baby pictures and random snaps of food and beverage choices, than it is horses.  My car is almost clean.  My calf muscles are kind of super whimpy. I don’t have the local vet on speed dial.  I don’t have reasons to buy new tack, or really even more schooling gear.  When you ride once or twice (maybe) a week, that’s not really top priority.  At first, all of these changes, they made my throat close, and a full on panic mode would start.  I can’t tell you how many times I called my mother, or my husband, or friends on my way home from lessons, upset, crying and totally rattled.  I didn’t understand what had happened to Genny circa 2012-2015.  The feeling that I no longer know everything going on at the barn, the feeling that I don’t have any long term goals, and the feeling of having to totally scratch a dream -that is a trip.   I felt irrelevant, that my dreams weren’t important anymore.


Last week I had a moment, and it just felt like a teeny bit of the old me rose to the surface.  I had just spent the long weekend surrounded by all things horse at Rolex, and came home to have an awesome lesson on a sweet-as-pie schoolie.  I rode well, I laughed, I smiled, I pushed myself.  I was high on life when I drove home, and it was then that I realized that maybe right now I do not have a perfect plan in motion, or really even know exactly what’s next for me.  I still love every single second I spend with horses, and in the saddle.  Maybe my definition of a rider has changed a little bit; that’s only proof it can and will change again.  I know who I am when I’m in the saddle, and I know that’s where I belong.  I want to spend my time with horses grateful for the ride, not sad that I don’t have more.  Great things are coming, I’m sure of it…I just suck at being patient.


So for now, I’m going to try out a new identity, instead of trying to resurrect my old one, and see where it leads.  I hope to more dreams, shiny new ponies, fabulous rides and happy memories.

Thanks for reading along.

Genny Macy

Wife, mother, horse crazy lady.

 

 

 

21 thoughts on “Relevancy

  1. This is extraordinarily insightful. Thank you for sharing it. You’ve put your finger on perhaps the #1 reason I am not currently interested in becoming a mother. (Which is not to say I read this as you regretting that! Just clarifying from my POV.) I’m glad you are finding ways to rework your identity in a way that makes sense for you.

    • You can read and prep all you want, but you won’t know what changes your perspective might have until after baby. I’m so glad she’s in my life. Now I just have to let the pieces all fall together!

  2. You are soon the right path which changes for us daily. I am still “searching” too while being open to every great new opportunity/challenge.

    You are a great role model for your daughter.

    Keep it up.:)

    Love& hugs,

    Sent from my iPhone Inge Hafkemeyer

    >

  3. I can relate to this… I still have the horse but I just moved him and completely changed our focus from competing with a very active show team to having fun just the two of us. It takes some adjusting but it’s still the dream.

  4. Thank you so much for sharing this, this is probably one of my favorite posts of yours. I still don’t know whether I even want kids, but losing my identity to them is one of my biggest fears. I think we’re lucky, as riders, to have a passion that drives us. A lot of my friends became moms so young, they didn’t have time to figure out who they were before they were a mom, so being a mom is now their only identity. You had a chance to figure that out and figure out what makes YOU tick, which makes it much more likely that you will find a way to maintain your own identity, even if the style of maintenance changes. Hugs!!

    Jen

    • Thanks Jen 🙂 I’m so glad I did have such a strong sense of who I was and what I wanted, even if it’s a kick to the gut change now. I know where I want to be, but figuring out the getting there/doing that part is complicated. In the meantime, I get to spend my time with fantastic people, horses and my daughter. It doesn’t sound too bad to me.

  5. Thank you for sharing this! I’m sure a lot of mothers out there can relate. It does sound like a big adjustment – they are both two all-consuming passions – being a mother and being a horsewoman. I’m sure you will find your way and forge a new identity that encompasses both!

  6. This is such a good thing to share! While I don’t have kids (and still don’t know if I ever will), I understand the feeling of being adrift, without long-term goals and realizing the big dreams you once had may never come true. It’s hard- really hard! I admire you for being so honest and for continuing to be YOU, horse crazy lady Genny. 😛

    • Regrouping is harder than I thought it would be, and sometimes it feels like the world is totally set on me being a blob on the couch. But that’s why you have to push onward! Thanks Steph.

  7. I also suck at being patient, and know a little bit about the emotional fallout when life throws you a huge change. It takes time to figure out the person you are after a change like that! I’ve had similar conversations with my bff (not a horse person) about that shift, so you’re not alone even if yours is horsey directed. Above all, I agree that great things are coming for you in the future.

  8. Definitely, life is like a book, your just on a different chapter, a different story arch, doesn’t mean its going to a scary place, its just going to a different place.

  9. i love this it really has inspired me! recently i’ve been feeling a little bit lost and almost like if i didn’t have horses in mylife i wouldn’t be me and reading this has totally kicked me in the backside and made me realise a few things so for that thank you

  10. I 100% relate to you on this. I originally was a horsewoman with little intention of having children. I had big plans, and I didn’t want anything slowing me down. But then I found out I was pregnant, unexpectedly. To be honest, I was devastated. I didn’t know how to function without being able to ride while pregnant, and I felt like I had lost the very essence of who I was as a human being! And the relevance aspect… I get that. Because as much as you’d like to deny it, other horsewomen look at you different when you start toting around a baby. (I won’t elaborate on my feelings here, but I’m sure you can imagine…) It took me about a year to truly settle in. As I’m sure you understand, it takes time to adapt to doing work with horses with a baby in a stroller or pack n play nearby! But I did it. And then I did it a second time. I finally feel like myself again, even though I have little ones, because God taught me that my identity never vanished. Only changed. Now I get to share horses with my girls, and that is a joy in itself! Sorry for the long comment, just wanted you to know you are soooo not alone 🙂

  11. Stupid huge amounts of hope. That is so very very accurate. I love this post for a lot of reasons, but it also really resonates personally too. No, I didn’t have a baby – but I did take a couple years off riding after college and experienced a bit of what I referred to as an identity crisis. The horses were still there for me tho when I was ready and able to fit them back in. Wishing you the best of luck in figuring out your new sense of self and relevancy!

  12. Thank you for sharing this! I am also in the middle of an identity crisis, though not from having a baby. It is really difficult to go with the flow of the fluid and dynamic process called life. None of us are the same people we were few years ago, and finding that balance between the new and old goals is such a challenge. Someday I hope to have a child and I will definitely be keeping your words in mind, in the mean time I will also be figuring out how I am staying relevant in my life as it is currently.

    • Yes, it is so hard to feel like you should be the same, yet at the same time you know you aren’t. She has brought so much love and humor to my life, but with that comes change! I’m sure both you and I will figure it out soon enough 🙂 They say patience is a virtue.

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