Rage

Yesterday I felt rage.  Stupid, red faced, teeth gritting rage.  Because I came to a screeching conclusion that I really, really miss  O.

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Stupid, mean, ugly horse.

I am furious that I took a chance on her.  Spitting mad that she was such a sweet girl.  Furious at the fact she jumped so cute, and at how fun she could be. Frustrating at not knowing where to go next, and angry at myself for being scared.  Pissed at the idea that we were aiming and dreaming for the 3′ and maybe the 3’6″ ring someday.  And I feel so stupid for having all those dreams.

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Because now she’s gone, and she took all my umpf away.  I have 100 different options available to me, yet I don’t know what to dream about, or even to plan for.  I poured in time, money, love, tears, and some of it feels wasted and I feel empty.

I am not saying I regret selling her; because I know that was what was right. But as I’m suddenly in this position where I have to make decisions, and new risks and ride unknown horses I realize how badly I wanted her to be my forever horse.  In the real world though, it doesn’t matter how badly you want something, that doesn’t change the truth.  What I can do is be mad.  And I’m going to be, for as long as it take to get this out of my system.  I shouldn’t have been so proud of myself for internalizing the whole selling process.  I thought I was being really mature about it all.  When really I just buried all my resentment, fears, and anger.

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Rage.

I’m done being okay with all of this.  I’m ready to be mad and deal with it.  Or cry about it tomorrow if I have to.  I’m mad, and I should be.  I didn’t get a chance at all of our dreams.  And that sucks.

19 thoughts on “Rage

  1. Hey girl,
    I understand your rage & hurt, not from a missing my horse perspective of course.
    I can’t imagine the disappointment you are feeling.
    But I am going to be a bit preachy now –
    1) you made the right decision for the both of you 2) you DID NOT fail 3) don’t rush the next journey, just breath, live in the present & the universe will show you the next step 4) the next phase will be even better & exceed your dreams 5) you are a SUCCESS, your daughter/marriage/career are proof of this
    Love & hugs.
    Have a wonderful Friday & weekend,
    Inge
    >

  2. I 100% feel that what you are going through is part of the process. Its like a break-up, with all of the same emotions. But don’t worry, there are bigger and better fish out there. Your Heart Horse is waiting for you to find them.

  3. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this. We put so much of ourselves in our horses, and it’s so hard when we do’t get anything back – or what we get back is not what we hoped for. I hope that you can work through your anger in a way that helps you.

  4. Sounds like a wine and ice cream date with your best gfs to me. You internalized because you had to, but just getting through something quickly doesn’t mean you get to skip all the emotions that go along with it. Feel them. Understand them. When you’re ready, move on from them.

  5. Rage away. Even though you know it’s what was best it’s still pretty sucky. Just don’t let what happened with O hold you back in the future.

  6. I vote for a few kickboxing classes. It really helps me to imagine whatever (or, usually, whoever) is pissing me off is the punching bag. Quite cathartic, especially when you drink wine and eat (ice cream, mac n cheese, burgers and/or tacos) afterwards.

  7. Be angry. It’s okay. it’s natural. Go to the gym and hit a punching bag. Go to the shooting range and blow through a case of ammo. Go bake something deeply smothered in chocolate. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way because it sucks. But we’re all here for you, lovely! ❤

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