Yesterday I felt rage. Stupid, red faced, teeth gritting rage. Because I came to a screeching conclusion that I really, really miss O.
I am furious that I took a chance on her. Spitting mad that she was such a sweet girl. Furious at the fact she jumped so cute, and at how fun she could be. Frustrating at not knowing where to go next, and angry at myself for being scared. Pissed at the idea that we were aiming and dreaming for the 3′ and maybe the 3’6″ ring someday. And I feel so stupid for having all those dreams.
Because now she’s gone, and she took all my umpf away. I have 100 different options available to me, yet I don’t know what to dream about, or even to plan for. I poured in time, money, love, tears, and some of it feels wasted and I feel empty.
I am not saying I regret selling her; because I know that was what was right. But as I’m suddenly in this position where I have to make decisions, and new risks and ride unknown horses I realize how badly I wanted her to be my forever horse. In the real world though, it doesn’t matter how badly you want something, that doesn’t change the truth. What I can do is be mad. And I’m going to be, for as long as it take to get this out of my system. I shouldn’t have been so proud of myself for internalizing the whole selling process. I thought I was being really mature about it all. When really I just buried all my resentment, fears, and anger.
I’m done being okay with all of this. I’m ready to be mad and deal with it. Or cry about it tomorrow if I have to. I’m mad, and I should be. I didn’t get a chance at all of our dreams. And that sucks.